PEAGLEJ

When I was afraid of Job

Part 1

I had first thought, when starting our articles, to write a series in chronological order of the things that God has taught us. For each place that we have gone, each state and town where we have lived, the experiences there has worked to change us. I remember the day I drove out of Wisconsin and said to the Lord, “I am not the same person leaving as the one who came.”

It seemed a neat idea to start at the beginning, when we left home…each place where Paul’s company sent us…each event that God used to change our attitudes. However, I must start here…in the middle…when I was afraid of Job.

Soon after the Lord set us free, I was home alone, studying the Word and praying. Now, I must tell you that I had never been one to have ‘visions’ or ‘words’ or to even think that I could hear God’s voice. Those types of things happened to the more mature in the Lord, to pastors and the respected elders of churches. Yet on this day, as I knelt by the couch, my eyes closed, I actually saw a cross…the foot of a cross…with a rivulet of blood flowing onto the ground. Because of this new experience, I went straight to the Bible and began to study the crucifixion of Christ and of His shed blood.

As I read, the Spirit of God began to make real to my heart the provision made for us, and I would weep at what Christ endured, knowing that we so often fall short of understanding all that He has done for us; weeping of how He suffered so horribly, yet we treat it with such religious familiarity. On the other hand, my heart would burn with fervor and passion to see God’s power displayed through the provision made by His Son…to right injustices…to see the broken and wounded healed…the infirmed and diseased. And in the youth of my freedom, I stood strong on what God had shown me in His Word and in the vision.

There is a very strong concept that God has infused into me over the years…His definition versus mine. I have seen this played out in my life and in others time and time again. I will think a thing…even have understanding of a thing or situation, but when He brings it to it’s fullness, I will still see that which I understood, yet it will have taken on a completeness that only God could provide. It is the difference between doing a thing in my strength and understanding versus being led by the Spirit of God…His way…His timing…His will…For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, saith the Lord…(Isaiah 55:8).

For instance, as I wrote in ‘His Call‘ (www.peaglej.com), God spoke to Paul on three occasions, each time with increased intensity, to feed His sheep. Well, it’s not hard to think of a number of different ways to feed God’s sheep…preaching…teaching…writing, etc. Paul even asked God if He wanted him to go to bible school. The answer was, “There is no time.” Several months later, we were packed up and on the road, and while the understanding of “Feed My sheep” is still there, it looks way, way different now than what we first thought. We could use countless examples, but the point is that there must be a process of growing in God’s will, being led by His Spirit, laying our wills (and good intentioned plans)

down and waiting for His direction. And we could never have imagined how that would come about in our lives.

Hebrews 12:5-7 says…My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; for those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives. It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?“(NASB). The basic meaning here is to train up a child, that is, to educate, discipline, instruct, learn, teach. It is essential to understand that there is a maturing process that we all must go through, we must learn, be trained, and yes, at times, be disciplined. We also need to understand that each and every one of us has fleshy ways and attitudes. It is our inherent, human nature. And there are times of discipline, if we will pay attention, when our hearts will be revealed...the motives…the attitudes…and particularly the focus, which is self. How surprised I was the first time the Lord opened my eyes to my own inherent nature.

In times of study and worship and prayers, I would sense such a deep love for God that I could hardly contain it. I had never known that a person could love God this way, nor feel this way. I remember reading in Psalms…As the hart panteth after the water, so panteth my soul after thee, O God…My soul thirsteth for God…for the living God…Psalm 42:1-2. On occasions, I would literally prostrate myself on the floor before God, overwhelmed by His Mercy and Love. I felt like I was walking before the throne and surely walking in His Spirit. So, imagine my surprise one Sunday morning when the Pastor of the church we were attending asked me to pray for a woman for a specific need. I walked up to the woman and laid hands on her and BOOM, she began to receive her answer with loud and profuse praises and tears. My first thought was, “Is anyone noticing that I am the one praying for her?”…my first response to that thought was immediate shame. Where in the world did that come from??? I instantly repented…my eyes were opened…the training and discipline began.

And so we went forth. I stood strong in what God had shown me, trusting Him for everything in our lives. We have witnessed and experienced many amazing things in the Lord and I walked in assuredness and confidence that I knew God’s Word…I had it figured out…and was filled with the understanding of God. Oh, not in arrogance or haughtiness, but with certainty and conviction that could not be swayed. I read and studied the Word through that conviction, I spoke through that conviction, I walked that conviction. It was my definition.

Now, the middle of our travels takes us to Oklahoma City. We were facing some tremendous struggles, and in the midst of it, the Lord impressed me to read the book of Job. I had read through it years ago while doing one of those ‘read the bible in a year’ type programs. I ended up fearful of what God might do to us…what He would put us through…so the best way to deal with that was to ‘top shelf’ it. And now as I read, it created a war inside my heart…the strong convictions I had about what Christ provided for us…the fear of what God would ask/do/require of us that would be painful…with the outcome being a stand that began to grow seeds of frustration that sometimes bordered on anger and confusion. For after all, God’s Word is true, right? We were facing such pressure and problems, why was He not answering my prayers and cries for help? What was I doing wrong? Had I sinned and was now being punished? I was constantly looking for a cause so that I could define it, put the remedy to it, get my healing and have relief. And what a witness that would be to the power of God, right? My suffering would be over, I would be able to do His work more freely and easily and strongly…I had it all figured out. While all this was going on, one day God spoke very strongly to my heart, saying, “You do not know Me, My people do not know Me, and what they do know, they try to pin Me to the wall with it”…as well as…”Where were you when I hung the stars?” literally echoing in my spirit. Wow!

I had begun having problems with times of hemorrhaging. I prayed and stood strong, prayed and stood strong, knowing that God just had to move according to my faith in His Word. I had done some reading and research, finding others who experienced this same physical problem. One evening, Paul called the emergency room and asked if he should bring me over, but they said that this was sometimes normal for some women, that there was nothing they could really do, and just to guard against anemia. As this confirmed what I had researched, I figured it would just have to be dealt with as it came up and would end one day.

About a month or so before we left OKC, Paul found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. As soon as he saw it, the Lord spoke to his heart and said, “I will take care of you.” Of course, you always grapple with thoughts of ’my mind is making this up’, ‘this can’t be God’, ‘someone lost this’, ‘I must find the owner’ type of thing, because after all, why would God plant a hundred dollar bill for me…sounds a little far-fetched! Paul went through the process of trying to find the person who lost it, but no one ever came to claim the money. We did not need the money at all, but we both kept (and continue to keep) “I will take care of you” in our hearts…and we left Oklahoma in October that year. Paul was being moved around here and there until his next project began. We were in St. Louis, Tennessee, back to St. Louis, then they sent us to northern Ohio for several weeks. Our fourth grandchild was born in November and required open heart surgery at eight days old. It worked out that because we were in Ohio, I was able to take care of the other grandchildren. The hemorrhaging abated while all this was going on and after our grandson came home from the hospital, I joined Paul in northern Ohio, where it started again. We then had to go to Mississippi right before Christmas. I was able to travel just fine, but when we stopped it would start again.

At the hotel in Mississippi, I would continue to pray and cry out to God, thinking this was just normal, remembering the phone call to the emergency room, waiting for God to answer, reading through Job, battling fear. One very early morning, I told Paul that I had to see a doctor, as I was feeling faint and having trouble breathing. Our hotel ‘happened’ to be across the street from a doctors’ office. They took me right in and when the doctor came in the room after some blood work and a preliminary check, she said that I had lost over half of my blood, that she did not know how I was still alive, that I needed an immediate transfusion and had called the emergency room at the local hospital telling them that we were coming. We were stunned…we did not have insurance.

We drove directly to the emergency room and it took 8 hours for them to actually do anything. We heard snippets that the hospital doctor did not want to check me…we thought it might be the insurance issue…the emergency room doctor wanted me admitted…he mentioned cancer as a possibility and it needed to be dealt with then and there. I laid in that cubicle for 8 hours…Paul and I praying…still stunned that we were there…why would God let this happen…where did faith play into all this? But what kept coming to my heart was…And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God…Romans 8:28. I laid on that gurney, Paul and I holding hands, praying that scripture. Looking back, I realize the tone of my prayer had changed…I was no longer telling God what He had to do according to my faith…now, we were trusting Him no matter what happened.

I was admitted and given a blood transfusion. It was the oddest thing and I speak no exaggerations. The hospital doctor told me that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, then went to the other end of the spectrum saying that I just needed to go home and be checked, that I might have cancer and they could not deal with it there (on a walk one morning, Paul and I found a cancer center in the building). He finally ordered an ultrasound and found a tumor. He said it was small, that I should go home and have it checked and would be fine. However, he did keep me there for 5 days before I was released.

We drove back to Ohio and went straight to our daughter’s home. She had an appointment set up for me to be checked out, we were encouraged that the test results from Mississippi showed nothing serious and Paul went back up to northern Ohio. A couple days later, in the middle of the night, I began to hemorrhage again. I called Paul and he started driving back right away. Early in the morning, I ended up at the hospital again. This time, people were bumped off of the surgery schedule to get me in immediately. A cancer doctor was called in this time. They did a complete hysterectomy as I was filled with large tumors, cysts and infection…no cancer. I recovered at our daughter’s house, who also had an infant recovering from surgery, and six weeks later, the job in Michigan began and we moved once again. We got into a house in March, had been ‘on the road’ for 5 months, had two hospital stays, major surgery, no insurance, owed literally thousands and thousands of dollars to two hospitals, were experiencing very strong emotions about the doctor in Mississippi and were beyond exhausted.

Part 2

Before I go on, I want to say something about our daughter and her husband…this is not a case of nepotism…it is the truth. Never, have we experienced such selflessness and care as when we went through that time. Rachael and Gerald were under extreme pressures, as well. In the future, there will be a testimony of Benjamin and what went on right before this happened to us. I know that God kept them surrounded with His hands, both physically and mentally. Gerald’s grandmother had fallen ill and died during this time, Rachael had given birth, heard the doctors say a few days later that “it did not look good” with Benjamin…he underwent open heart surgery…she had no time to have post partum anything…they had just brought him home from the hospital and within 2 weeks, she sat in another surgical waiting room with her Dad, who was experiencing chest pains from stress as I underwent emergency surgery. Then, to open their home to us so that I could recover, and to be so gracious and understanding as I hit the instant emotional bucket of tears menopause wall…well, the Lord knows what is in our hearts and ‘thank you’ does not seem to be enough. God is, has been, and will always be the Rewarder!

So…a new house…a different state…new area…boxes everywhere…exhaustion…body trying to mend…emotional extremes now due to a catapult into menopause…doctor’s bills…hospital bills…lab fees…very strong emotions towards the doctor in Mississippi…confusion…and let me just say that times like these are the perfect opportunity for people to be prayerfully supportive instead of whispering…The words of a whisperer or tale bearer are as dainty morsels; they go down into the innermost parts of the body…(Ps. 18:8, Amplified Bible).

Throughout the day, I would unpack for awhile, sit in my chair and read Job for awhile, rest for awhile and ponder things for awhile. When Paul got home from work, we’d have to nap in our recliners before dinner. During this time, the Lord impressed very strongly the need to just be quiet…to ‘step back’, if you will…no ministering…no writing…just be still. I thought much, prayed, read, contemplated…and as I continued to read through Job, it was such a shock to see a lot of the same emotions that we were struggling with written on those pages.

I don’t recall ever having heard much about Job over the years, no teachings or explanations of the book, other than people being quick to say they were having a ‘Job experience’ when going through some difficult situation. However, I have to say that upon reaching the end of that book, I was absolutely floored…my foundations had been shaken…I was completely humbled…and was no longer afraid…

There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job; and that man was blameless, upright, fearing God and turning away from evil…(Job 1:1, NASB).

The Lord said to satan, “Have you considered My servant Job? For there is no one like him on this earth, a blameless and upright man, fearing God and turning away from evil…(1:8).

It has always been understood and established that Job was a righteous man. I guess my basic comprehension was that he was righteous, very difficult things happened to him as a way of testing and while he did not understand it, he did not turn away from God.

Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God…(1:22).

Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!” But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips…(2:9-10).

After 7 days of sitting with his 3 friends in silence, grief and pain, Job begins to lament…Afterward Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth… (3:1). As I read through the chapters I saw an abundance of words about who God was and how He operates based on their knowledge of Him…they saw a problem…they looked to define the cause or the root…they accused Job of sinning, he needed to repent and put the remedy to the situation… raw emotions and self justification…get a healing…find relief. I totally understood this concept!!…

…”Why did I not die at birth, come forth from the womb and expire?”…(3:1)…

…”Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul” (7:1)…

…”Have I sinned? What have I done to You, O watcher of men? Why have You set me as Your target, so that I am a burden to myself?” (7:20)…

…(Bildad) “How long will you say these things, and the words of your mouth be a mighty wind…if you seek God and implore the compassion of the Almighty, if you are pure and upright, surely now He would rouse Himself for you and restore your righteous estate“ (8:2,5,6)…

…”I will say to God, ‘Do not condemn me; let me know why You contend with me” (10:2)…

…(Zophar) “If you would direct your heart right and spread out your hand to Him, if iniquity is in your hand, put it far away, and do not let wickedness dwell in your tents” (11:13-14)…

…”But I would speak to the Almighty, and I desire to argue with God. But you sear with lies; you are all worthless physicians” (13:3,4)…

…(Eliphaz) “Should a wise man answer with windy knowledge and fill himself with the east wind? Should he argue with useless talk or with words which are not profitable? Indeed you do away with reverence and hinder meditation before God. For your guilt teaches your mouth, and you choose the language of the crafty. Your own mouth condemns you, and not I; and your own lips testify against you” (15:2-6)…

…”As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will take His stand on the earth” (19:25)…

Throughout the chapters of Job, there is much dialogue and reasoning of who God is and what He will do, spoken by all. While reading a brief synopsis on Job in the NASB bible, it states…”The sufferings of Job are shown to be corrective rather than penal, being used by God to test and refine his character.” It is clear that they did not comprehend this…as a matter of fact…do we?…when we suffer?…do we know the difference between corrective and penal? I certainly didn’t!

Again, my thoughts on Job were only that he was righteous, he suffered, and it just didn’t seem fair. People tend to see Job as the consummate martyr. And, it is that very attitude that many enter into during a difficult season of trials and suffering, quickly assuming they are having a ‘Job’ experience. That might be, but let us not miss the crux of the message found in this book.

…”When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold…my foot has held fast to His path; I have kept His way and not turned aside…I have not departed from the command of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food” (23:10-12)…

…”As God lives, who has taken away my right, and the Almighty, who has embittered my soul…for as long as life is in me, and the breath of God is in my nostrils…my lips certainly will not speak unjustly, nor will my tongue mutter deceit…far be it from me that I should declare you right; till I die I will not put away my integrity from me…I hold fast MY RIGHTEOUSNESS and will not let it go. My heart does not reproach any of my days” (27:2-6)…

…”As I WAS in the prime of my days, when the friendship of God was over my tent…when my steps were bathed in butter, and the rock poured out for me streams of oil…because I DELIVERED the poor who cried for help, and the orphan who had no helper…the blessing of the one ready to perish came upon me, and I MADE the widow’s heart sing for joy…I PUT ON RIGHTEOUSNESS, and it clothed me; MY JUSTICE was like a robe and a turban…I WAS eyes to the blind and feet to the lame…I WAS a father to the needy, and I INVESTIGATED the case which I did not know…TO ME they listened and waited, and kept silent for my counsel…after MY WORDS they did not speak again, and MY SPEECH dropped on them…they waited FOR ME like rain, and opened their mouth as for spring rain…I SMILED on them when they did not believe, and the light of MY FACE they did not cast down…I CHOSE a way for them and sat as chief, and dwelt as a king among the troops, as one who comforted the mourners” (29:4,6,12-16,21,22,23-25)…

…Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said…”Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge…now gird up your loins like a man, and I will ask you, and you will instruct Me!…Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding” (38:1-4)…

It was at this point that the lesson took hold, my eyes were opened to my own ‘righteousness’ and what God should do because of it!

…”Will the faultfinder contend with the Almighty? Let him who reproves God answer it”…”Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to You? I lay my hand on my mouth…once I have spoken, and I will not answer; even twice, and I will add nothing more”…”Now gird up your loins like a man; I will ask you, and you instruct Me…will you really annul My judgment? Will you condemn Me that you may be justified…or do you have an arm like God, and can you thunder with a voice like His…adorn yourself with eminence and dignity, and clothe yourself with honor and majesty” (40:1,2,4,5,7-10)…

…Then Job said to the Lord…”I know that You can do all things, and that no thought or purpose of Yours can be restrained or thwarted…[You said to me] who is this that darkens and obscures counsel [by words] without knowledge? Therefore [I now see] I have [rashly] uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know…[I had virtually said to You what You have said to me:] Hear, I beseech You, and I will speak; I will demand of You, and You declare to me (pinning God to the wall by our own righteousness…we have faith, so He must act…His Word says so)…I had heard of You [only] by the hearing of the ear, but now my [spiritual] eye sees You…therefore I loathe [my words] and abhor myself and repent in dust and ashes” (42: 1-6, Amplified Bible).

As the book of Job closes, God calls to account Job’s friends…tells them to repent, that Job would pray for them…and Job was blessed once again.

Part 3

As surely as the Lord spoke to me, saying, “You don’t know Me, My people don’t know Me, and what they do know, they try to pin Me to the wall with it“, was the same message that I saw on the pages in the book of Job. They ‘knew‘ God by their own definition and understanding, they ‘knew‘ the answers to Job‘s issues…that he must have hidden sin and God would surely move when he got rid of it, they had great and lengthy explanations of who God was, and finally, it is clear to see who‘s righteousness was the focal point. And there, among the boxes and bills, in the exhaustion and confusion, in my passions and convictions, “I loathe [my words] and abhor myself and repent in dust and ashes”. I quit looking for some hidden sin…I quit quoting scripture and ‘standing strong’…I quit telling God what He had to do according to my faith…I quit trying to make Him move according to my knowledge of His Word…I simply stopped and realized that “I had heard of You [only] by the hearing of the ear, but now my [spiritual] eye sees You”.

I remember the day that Paul and I stood by the front door in that Michigan house, he just walking in with several bills in his hand, our emotions completely raw…and the first thing that we did was to choose to forgive that doctor in Mississippi. We had actually talked about taking legal action, but for reasons only God knows, He put a check in our spirits about going through with it…we had to forgive, and so we did. We began to pray over how to handle this influx of debt, yet after all we had gone through…watching how He had saved our grandson…keeping His hand upon my physical body as we traveled from place to place…well, we were amazed. We also remembered the $100 bill that Paul had found, with the promise “I will take care of you.” And we made another choice…to trust Him!

Why is it that we go through many different and various types of testing and trials, which often reveals our fretful hearts and our feet of clay, we get to the other side of the testing, relieved and happy to be done with it, only to forget His faithfulness the next time we are faced with another difficulty?

Some years before in Wisconsin, through the foolishness of someone’s actions, there was a fire in the garages of the apartments where we lived. There were 24 garages, two rows of 12, all connecting. The garages literally burned to the ground, destroying all contents. There were a total of 6 vehicles lost; one woman had been moving out of her apartment and was temporarily storing all of her belongings in the garage, another person storing a special collection of magazines in his garage, the list goes on. We lived on the top floor and to the back of the apartment building, so we had no idea what was going on. Different residents were trying to get as much as they could out of their garages, moving cars away from the building and no one notified us of the fire until the last minute. By this time, the only opportunity we had was to run out the door and away from the building, as the heat and heavy black clouds of smoke and flames were beginning to flow over the top of our apartment building, melting blinds and cracking windows. We ended up losing our van, some tools, golf clubs, our bicycles and a box of pictures.

When the time came to replace the van, we had reservations because of past financial woes, but felt that it was time. We chose a vehicle, and within just a couple of months, the Lord opened an avenue for it to be completely paid for…we were amazed! And now, these years later, as we faced this mountain of bills, not knowing how we could ever pay, not remembering that God provided us with a new vehicle, we thought of that $100 and His promise that He would take care of us. I am not going to go into any detail, but once again, the Lord opened another door and we owe no debt…thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars…and there Is no debt.

If there is one message that you glean from this message, let it be that of God’s faithfulness, in spite of us. The truth is…He has given His Son to redeem us…He has given His Word to guide us…He has given His Spirit to lead and comfort us and what do we do? Come on now, be truthful with yourselves…we make it about our knowledge…we make it about our faith…we make it about our sufferings…we make it about our ministries, our plans…we make it about us. And where were we when God was hanging the stars?

God will be pinned to no wall…God will not move according to our knowledge of His scriptures, nor how many times we quote it correctly. We must, must, must learn…we must allow our hearts to be revealed…we must know who is our focus.

…but to this man will I look…even to him that is poor and of a contrite spirit…and trembleth at My Word…(Isaiah 66:2).

And the Lord turned the captivity of Job and restored his fortunes, when he prayed for his friends; also the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before…(Job 42:1-10, Amplified Bible).

These years later, I still walk I the conviction of His Word and what He showed me that day as I prayed…yet, I know God differently now.